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internecinus: deadly
hindrances:a delay
my frustrations and complications....
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Tuesday, April 30, 2002
so she finally decided that whatever they had, whatever "it" was, was over. it was like the magic was gone. the connection was missing. perhaps the newness of the situation was what sustained their relationship. its funny because the only thing their relationiship was, was friendship.
"how do you break up...from a friend?" was the constant question that was running through her head.
she didn't know the answer. but inside she knew that she was taking baby steps to this "break up." its more of the fact that she came to the realization that that was what she wanted. sometimes you just dont want certain people in your life. its really sad to think that, she knows, but that's what it feels like.
the baby steps were really that she wasn't calling, wasn't really trying to do anything to continue the friendship. the funny thing is she really tried to find the magic that once sustained their friendship, their laughter, but she couldn't. she noticed though, that this was a pattern with her. whenver a friend had hurt her in some way or fashion, she would attempt to rekindle the friendship, that bond that had been so tight and clear, but it always would fail. as it did now.
lie of omission? was that what caused her to begin these baby steps to separation? perhaps. too many times had these lies happened to her. she realizes that that's always the case when she loses her friends. its not really more of a loss, but she steps away from their lives. often it just is circumstance that allows her to separate herself from those "friends."
but she knows in this situation, there really is no circumstance that will separate them. only her own doing. so she's stepping out of their life as friends, his life in general.
slowly walking away because "its" gone. but she knows that after awhile...she won't notice and...he won't notice. and everything will be honky dory again. they'll just be phone numbers in a cell that never get dialed.
"how do you break up...with a friend?"
she still doesn't know...but she understands that somehow, inevitably, it will happen...
posted by lainey at 2:18 PM
a long time ago they were friends. they played and had fun and enjoyed each others company until the wee hours of the morning. but then something changed. as the song says, "seasons change, people change..." and things were different. one friend tried to relive the past, but the magic wasn't there. so what were they to do? it just didn't feel right anymore. almost as if the connection was gone.
"what to do? what to do?" one friend contemplated.
"is this friendship really worth saving?"
these thoughts raced through the friends mind. the answer wasn't as clear as before, when the answers were just so simple. to walk away would mean leaving a friend behind, but it could also mean this....
to walk away means that maybe that that friendship ran its course...
who knows...each day is a journey in they're friendship. who knows whether or not they'll get closer or further apart. the only thing that one friend does know is that the times were fun while they lasted and its slightly looking like the friendships coming to a close. who's to say that this friendship will end? who's to say that it'll continue? who's to say that it was ever meant to begin? and who's to say that it's supposed to end?
the one friend really had no idea what to do...perhaps the friend just has to watch it dwindle down...bc that's whats happening...
"what to do? what to do?"
posted by lainey at 2:40 AM
Monday, April 29, 2002
i have no idea where that story came from. i'm usually not that aww shucks optimistic. but hey it was cute, something you'd get in a chain letter with something attached to it like,
"send this out to all those you care about so something good can happen around you..."
whatevers...i think it was the delirium with the fact that i spent last night organizing my room. i woke up this morning and was kind of in shock. i didn't recognize my place because it was so clean. yeah yeah i know that's a horrible thing to say, but i've grown so accustomed to my mess, that my cleanliness is an odd thing to get used to.
5 more weeks and i'm outta here. 5 more weeks and i back in the valley...eek i dont know how i'm gonna last. i'm gonna be constantly out and about all over la and oc bc if there's one thing i know for sure...i can't stand being at home. i haven't been at home for longer than a couple of days in the past three years. its such a strange thing, thinking that i'm going to be home. i'll be losing so much like my independence and freedom. home shouldn't be like that. i guess i'm "grown up" or at least i've pretended to be grown up for the past 3 years and living with my parents seems like such an odd anomaly. i'd rather live with roommates instead. i know i'll be couching it at many places this summer and working my ass to get out of debt. hmm...
life's interesting...very interesting that way...
posted by lainey at 3:31 PM
one day a child asks a father,
"dad what does it mean to be happy?"
the father stares at his child and thinks for a moment. thinks, how am i going to define happiness to my child? he then answers to his child,
"to be happy means to be able to smile because something good is happening around you..."
the child still looked confused.
so the father tried again, "to be happy is like the sensation you feel when you first bite into an ice cream cone with your favorite flavor. before you even bite into it you know what its going to taste like, but its in that first bite do you realize how good it really is."
the father anticipated some form of understanding from his child so he asked,
"do you know what it means to be happy now?"
"no, but i'm hungry and want an ice cream cone now."
the father smiled and went to the freezer to take out some ice cream. he made an ice cream cone for his child and then watched his child eat it.
"do you know what it means to be happy now?"
the child smiled, a face stained with chocolate and vanilla cheeks grinned and said,
"mm huh...actually i always knew dad, i just wanted some ice cream."
the child skipped out of the kitchen and giggled out into the living room.
"AT LEAST WASH YOUR FACE!" yelled the child's dad. "YOU'VE GOT ICE CREAM ALL OVER IT!"
"SURE DAD" the child giggles out.
"hey dad?"
"yeah" he answered
"thanks..."
the father smiled and thought to himself, "something good just happened around me."
posted by lainey at 3:12 AM
Saturday, April 27, 2002
i'm tired of being tired, so how do i get out of this rut?
should i stop putting harmful toxins in my body? naw
should i stop staying up into the wee hours of the morning? naw
should i stop thinking about you? maybe
should i move on? yes
the only thing i know for sure is:
i still want you in my life
in what way i'm still confused about that
i'm scared that in the future you won't be in my life
oh well i'm off to drink and smoke my life away...
posted by lainey at 3:34 AM
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
here's a story...its been floating in my head for awhile i want to get it outbefore my senile ass forgets
so here it goes:
in my life i grew up with buddha. but this buddha was never so lucky even though his belly grew in size. i wasn't very lucky even though i did what buddha asked. i went to school and did my chores. i got good grades and followed the rules. but somehow buddha wasn't happy like he was supposed to be. he wasn't like the jovial jade statue that i saw on occasion in stores.
my buddha worked all the time. buddha came home tired, thirsty, and hungry. my buddha wanted its meals to be ready but bodhisvatra came home late too. the meals wouldn't be ready for buddha when he got home, so he drank. buddha would ask me to fetch its favorite beverage, beer, from the refridgerator. i obeyed buddha and brought a cold aluminum can to where he was sitting. i would do this so many times, every night, that this is how i watched buddha's belly grow.
buddha's belly grew, but our luck didn't. more and more negative events kept occuring. my lola got into a car accident, my other lola passed away, my lolo was put into the hospital....so many unlucky things and yet buddha's belly grew.
i realized that this growth wasn't due to luck or wealth but all the unlucky things that were happening. i never saw my buddha cry because i cried enough tears for him. comforted by drink and food, buddha's belly grew. comforted by indulgences that did nothing to resolve the pain that was occuring emotionally and mentally.
my buddha is slowly dying...all those years of indulgences have given my buddha bad blood, bad liver, bad everything. you'd think i'd learn from my buddha, but i've noticed that my own belly of pain is growing. and i'm repeating the pattern my buddha lived.
that's when i came to the conclusion...i am just like my buddha. i will grow up to be like my buddha. i am a sad little buddha.
posted by lainey at 9:34 PM
inspired by my puso pal's journal....not blog...journal...
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
LOVE SONG FOR NO ONE- JOHN MAYER
(this is what i was sleepily rambling about nic...)
posted by lainey at 4:12 PM
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
could you tell me a story?
a story about how a boy meets a girl
how a girl meets a boy
and they click?
could you tell me a story?
of how there was a chance
but how it seemed like they were off beat?
missing that split second
passing the right moment
could you tell me a story?
where someone got hurt
you didn't get hurt
i got hurt
could you tell me a story?
no?
well neither can i.
posted by lainey at 6:52 AM
Monday, April 22, 2002
the question:
can we still be friends?
the answer:
yes
and i'm glad to just have that...
posted by lainey at 10:43 PM
i dont like being in the middle, but somehow i always end up there...
i love you both...work it out...please...
posted by lainey at 7:04 PM
one conversation and i'm no longer stuck. you always have a way of doing that now don't you? (even if you don't know it you inadvertantly have a way of clarifying things)
thanks for always being honest and straightforward, i appreciate it greatly. in a world of filipino's and "the beating around the bush mentality" i can always depend on you to not be that way.
posted by lainey at 9:20 AM
Sunday, April 21, 2002
i feel stuck.
yuck.
posted by lainey at 6:04 PM
Saturday, April 20, 2002
i just realized something...
the best things happen at the most inopportunitive moments.
gotta love those moments...
posted by lainey at 2:00 AM
hmmm mood of the moment: tired from dancing the night away @ mesa court semi formal...
good times good times
cute dj's have put a smile on this face...
not so down anymore hehehe =p
posted by lainey at 1:11 AM
Friday, April 19, 2002
elaine: so what's been bothering you lately?
lainey: oh nothing really just going through things...
elaine: things really? like what kind of things?
lainey: oh nothing really ... just feeling this emptiness inside
elaine: emptiness...i would never have noticed you seem so on the up and up
lainey: oh..well yeah...who needs to know that drama about me anyhow?
elaine: yeah...i understand you dont want anyone else to see you down...
lainey: yeah...you hit it on the nose
elaine: but of course i would...i'm you
lainey: oh yeah..that's right!
damn that whole talking to yourself and being an only child thing! it's true!
oh and to those of you who read this and you care about me...even if you ask me whats wrong...i dont know (or actually) i do know what's wrong with me, i just dont know if i can share it with you at the moment. so either way...
dont bother to ask
its something that i'll have to go at alone.... = /
(and to those of you who are really close to me...dont worry i'll probably tell you what's up, if i can remember it myself...)
posted by lainey at 4:24 PM
Thursday, April 18, 2002
as my friend the good ol' winni the pooh would say...
oh bother...
why do i even bother anymore???
posted by lainey at 11:32 PM
words from my imagination...
i was tossed aside
tossed to the way side
like a rag doll
all used up with no more love
i feel like i can't love
and its all your fault
i didn't want to
i said no
you wouldn't listen
i said no
I SAID NO
but you wouldn't listen
and now all i hear is my screams
the screams that i couldn't project because your hand covered my mouth
the screams that wanted to burst through my lungs but came out in the form of tears
all i have is tears
all i have is my tears
all i have is my fears
so i'm here now
a ghost, a shell
i'm hardly the person you knew so well...
i can't go back to those joyous daze
i'm wandering around in this muttle of a haze
i feel like i can't love
and its all your fault
i feel like i can't love
and its all your fault
I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T LOVE
AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT
so why does it still feel like its my fault???
posted by lainey at 1:19 AM
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
i talk to ppl bc i like the conversations i have with them. its good times. no alterior motives there, just conversation. so what if i talk to ppl everyday on the telefono??? i used to talk to my best friend jen on the phone everyday for hours upon hours, the same thing goes with countless other ppl now.
sometimes the conversation in simply enough, because the ppl i talk to a) usually don't live close by, and b) are simply fun to talk to
whatever happened to just fun conversation???
posted by lainey at 8:29 PM
if i didn't love you then
what makes you think i'll love you now?
is what i hear when i talk to you...
but for some reason it doesn't matter
bc i don't have those feelings for you now
and i like talking to you anyhow
ain't that funny?
posted by lainey at 9:18 AM
Monday, April 15, 2002
so here's a question that i want everyone to ponder....
when the world feels like its crashing down on you do you ever realize that your havoc and drama isn't THAT bad?
here's another one:
if the answer is so simple then why are you still confused?
that's it...
have a nice day
thank you come again =)
posted by lainey at 6:13 PM
ok so here's what i'm thinking...
ppl overdramatize things way too much.
and if you're mad because i've tried to do something NICE for you then you can go FUCK OFF...build a bridge and get over it please.
that's it...
posted by lainey at 2:29 PM
Sunday, April 14, 2002
the only thing constant is change...
the only for sure thing is that there are no for sure things...
i've changed, have you?
posted by lainey at 9:28 AM
Thursday, April 11, 2002
its story time:
all my life i've felt like i was pushed to the way side. i've been struggling to find my voice, my niche for a good long while. of late, (yes nic i said of late) i've realized that i've done things to overcompensate these feelings of neglect. getting super involved...being an attention whore(yes mike you're not the only one)...trying to steal the show...
and now i've realized that i dont really care about the show anymore, but the feeling of being pushed aside tugs at my emotional strings. that kind of feeling doesn't exactly leave and the insecurities i felt as a child have ceased somewhat, but with each fuck up, each mess up, those insecurities have a way of returning with some stronger force. i guess as a more "mature" person you can acknowledge all these things that were just items on the emotional menu that pissed you off as a child.
but these feelings also create a defense mechanism for me...i'm an odd character if ever there was one. i dive into friendships and each time i say i'll be careful...i'm not...and then in some form or fashion i get hurt. so i shut down. and i pull away. i decide to creep back into my comfort zone with people who have gained my trust and have done nothing to break it. i become cold, crass, abrasive, and unresponsive....
and then i wake up from that haze of anger and realize that the person never intentionally meant to hurt me. they still are my friend and thus begins a path to recreating the element of fun and friendship that intially participated in with such fervor.
so i guess the point to this story is that its extremely difficult to become a part of my small circle of confidants. but if you're willing to take a chance on me, then i'm willing to take a chance on you...
but most importantly i'm willing to take a chance on myself to trust you...
posted by lainey at 1:52 AM
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
please don't read too much into these words
these are my thoughts and my feelings
and half the time i dont know what they mean
i dont mean to piss people off or offend or hurt
its just my way of therapy and letting shit out.
and sometimes when you read to much into my words you might think they're about you
when they're never about you...
they're about me...
just remember that...
they're not about you
they're about me.
posted by lainey at 2:40 PM
i'm laughing inside
again and again
i'm laughing inside
bc your situation seems dead
i'm laughing inside
relishing in your dismay
i'm laughing inside
finding humor in your emotional disarray
i'm laughing inside
and i know its evil
i'm laughing inside
but its how i feel
i'm laughing inside
and you can't stop me
i'm laughing inside
i do find it creepy
i'm laughing inside
proof that i'm horrid
i'm laughing inside
i really am deplor-ed
shit bitch damn fuck
i guess you're all outta luck
shots at your pride
and all i'm doing is laughing inside
posted by lainey at 9:31 AM
Tuesday, April 09, 2002
what worries me is the worry that i'm turning into an apathetic cold hearted person. basically a souless drone that festers and withstands life because they have to, an American. i know not what to do about that. i read the emotions on peoples faces and it is so cold and crass. no one seems to care about anything no a days. apathy runs rampant and is contagious. my biggest fear: that it has already infected me.
i need to stop being so harsh
i need to stop being so mean
i need to stop being a bitch
i need to remember what its like to feel loved
i need to remember what its like to be cared for.
i need to remember what is like to be a person.
transformations for the worse seem to be a rapid process,
but why is it transformations for the better are slow in showing?
slowly attempting to transform...
==========================================
i gave you a chance
but you walked away
i gave you a chance
but you refused to stay
i gave you a chance
to see me completely
i gave you a chance
but you wrote it off so easily
too many chances
lost to wasted time
wasted talent
and wasted rhymes
wasted words
wasted breath
the emotions are comin off my chest
i gave you a chance
but you refused to see
i gave you a chance
but now i'm tired, please just let me be...
don't push me to explain our situation
don't make me rehash my devastation...
there are no more chances to spare
there are no more wishes to fulfill
there is the push to move on
there is the push to leave you...but still
i don't know what to do when you roll by
it still feels as though you're giving me the eye
but i can't open my heart to all those illusions
i'm sick and tired of all that confusion
i gave you a chance
and you let it all go
i gave you a chance
i hope you know
i gave you a chance
but i'm tired of this dance
i'm tired of wondering why
i'm tired of pondering how
i'm tired of stumbling upon lies
i'm tired of practicing good byes
i gave you the chance
i'm tired
no more chances left to give
no more practices to rehearse
i'm ready to fly
good bye
posted by lainey at 4:14 PM
Monday, April 08, 2002
i used to dream
i used to dream of a world
i used to dream of a world where you and i
were together...
and then...
then i woke up.
what a typical statement of a person going through a love lorn experience
how sad. how pathetic. how real. how me.
bleh...and now its over and i'm fine and i'm still dreaming just of other things, other people, other possibilities.
======================================
i used to dream
and then the dream turned into a nightmare
because it was full of false hope and wishes
falsities that would never come true
so i stopped dreaming
and became cold,bitter, and crass
that was who i was
this is who i am
i am still a dreamer
but of happiness that doesn't depend on another by my side
a happiness that will allow another into my heart
but won't be solely based on that person
can you comprehend that happiness, that dream?
if not...then i feel sorry for you
because you still believe in the patriarchal manifesto that tells you happiness is found in another and not in yourself
i broke free...can you???
posted by lainey at 6:44 PM
Saturday, April 06, 2002
so i'm the type of person that likes to dwell until it hurts...
and well i was dwelling today and it hit me...
it doesn't hurt anymore. i can recall all those emotions and realize that it's all in the past. i still feel sad about those times, but i can look back and recall the good times and feel content. it feels good to know this.
no more sloppy seconds....
=============================
reading all those lines
lines not lies
i can see it now
you had no idea what you were doing
ignorance isn't an excuse, i know
but i can finally let it all go
my pain has dissapated
a fresh page is what's slated
for me
i'm content after being discontent for so long
all those moments where i thought "you done me wrong..."
have evaporated into oblivion
i can wipe my tears from all those shoulders i cried on
the world isn't exactly a better place
i just won't have to constantly show a brave face
i'm gonna let my emotions flow
and in time put you in the know
for now i'll still go about my daily routine
and have my anger at you go unseen
but at least this time its been bottled up and tossed aside
and intact still is my pride
my training and solutions have materialized
and i look at you with different eyes
not eyes of an unrequited __________ fill in the blank
not eyes of tears
not eyes of an unknown enemy
not eyes of anger
but eyes of a friend...
simply a friend
posted by lainey at 1:36 AM
Friday, April 05, 2002
i'm training myself to not feel pain...
my solution is to get lost in the music...
my solution is to lose the problem...
my solution is to forget the person...
my solution is to write it out...
my solution is to laugh...
my solution is to smoke...
my solution is to drink...
my solution is to leave it all behind...
my solution is to leave you...
i'm training myself to not feel pain...
i'm training myself to be numb...
i'm training myself to be apathetic...
I'm training myself to be nonchalant...
i'm training myself to be ok...
i'm training myself to be...
i'm training myself to be...
fine...
posted by lainey at 3:49 PM
Thursday, April 04, 2002
confucious was a wise man...too bad his name sounds like confused...
posted by lainey at 9:59 PM
Tuesday, April 02, 2002
proof that i'm evil:
i can't stop putting my foot in my mouth. twice today i made fun of complete strangers...TO THEIR FACE...yeah, i think i've been doing that waaaaaayyyyy too much of late.
if i could stop it i would...but unfortunately i can't.
and the fact that i can do it and feel no remorse...yeah...i'm evil. some like to say that it's simply me being honest, brutally honest. somehow that just doesn't seem to be enough of an excuse because i acknowledge the fact that i'm not THAT honest, i'm just evil..
muahahahahahahahha
posted by lainey at 7:38 PM
does revelling in other peoples worry and pain make me evil?
YES
muahahaha....i'm a bitch. =)
posted by lainey at 12:59 PM
Monday, April 01, 2002
life is like a roller coaster. you hit the highs and lows at such odd and inopportune times. but somehow, someway things always work themselves out.
for better or for the worst. you learn from everything in the end. its up to us whether we choose to learn from this whole experience.
i think i've come to the point, where i know i'm constantly learning from every situation.
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