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internecinus: deadly
hindrances:a delay
my frustrations and complications....
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Sunday, March 31, 2002
i'd be lying if i said that i was fine. that i'm ok with everything, but i've already established that i'm a liar??
so yeah in the frist time in a long time...i'd say in about a month...i can admit that i feel shitty...that i feel hurt. and in some ways its my fault. because i constantly keep putting myself in situations that cause me pain. i know i should be happy. i know that i have no right to be sad. but still in some way i can't help it. i can't help the way i feel bc shit...those are MY emotions.
the solution to my past problem is now my problem. so i guess i need to find a new solution.
it'll all work out, i know...but the time between the problem and itself working out always sucks.
stuck in a rock and a hard place...again...
posted by lainey at 11:12 AM
Saturday, March 30, 2002
you know when you think you have everything figured out should be a sign that you dont know anything at all...
posted by lainey at 5:33 PM
just when i thoght the path was straight....
it takes a sharp curve....
i really thought i had finally figured out everything with my life. my friends, my family, my future....and then...shit something happens. in the past couple of weeks i've been writing like mad. blogs, poems, my thoughts...and now i'm writing a story...ahhhhh something i haven't done since high school really. where all my characters were named kate and there was always an evil mom involved. those stories really sucked. high school angst and me trying to write it all out...yeah they sucked. but i'm wriitng somethign different now...and its well...its a story...i dont knwo where its going exactly but i really wanna finish it. maybe i've had a bit more life experience to write a better story...
=============================================
here's a sample of it:
I used to think if I lived my life through a mask it'd be perfect. I'd be numb to all of life's heartache and pain.
I was wrong.
Each time there was a bump in the road instead of building upon hte mask, a piece of it came off. this is my story of how i let go, how I bit the bullet and learned to live life. Honestly and completely.
Are you ready? Now Let's begin.
I had always been an avid participant in the sport of people watching. Anywhere I went I'd find myelf observing, or as some would tell me, gawking at the people aroundme. It's amazing what interesting characters complete strangers can be. I relished in wtching other people walking pass and wondering what thoughts were in their heads.
"I'm late. I'm going to miss my presentation."
or
"Can she tell that I slept with her best friend last night?"
or even
"I hate everyone here. If I could I would take a rifle to the clocktower..."
I played this game so much that I didn't care that I was making the passersby uncomfortable with my stares. I didn't care until I was the victim.
==========================================
so that's a small part of my story. i've got more and am gonna try to finish this project. too many times have i picked up a pen or started to type only to have half a story left...
lets hope this time i finish....
posted by lainey at 12:09 PM
Thursday, March 28, 2002
it's finally over....
i think
=/
posted by lainey at 1:52 PM
this is dedicated to ...........:
I know this is hard to say
but i think i've finally walked away
although I'm near you
I'm by your side and I sit, laugh, and listen
but the twinkle in my eye, that glisten
Are all elements of an act that cover up
Pain, tears, emotions that you'll never see
Pieces that are constantly a part of me
But the pieces you see aren't whole
bc my hearts been buried deep down, as does a mole.
the closer we seem, the further I go
And all of this you'll probably never know
I smile at you and I take a step
We talk and i take one step more
I laugh and now I'm a mile away
That hug goodbye can't make me stay
I can't believe how far apart I've left
bc in you eyes our closeness has so much depth
But being the victim has made me crass
Although you would probably expect it the last
I've grown accustomed to placing a smile on my face
and being the listening ear that you can't replace
But understand that inside i'm dead to you
I cannot/ will not make you a part of the select few
who knows each element, each part of me
especially the parts that you dont see
So as i sit and talk to you now
or answer the phone knowing your on the other side
This facade of a friendshiip i will allow
It will not seem that you were denied
bc i know one day this will all fizzle out
and these words will no longer have any clout
You'll have benefited from a "true friend"
and at least I'll know i never let my guard down to get hurt again.
Hello and I smile
My path grows longer
My feet continue to take me away from here
I'm walking
I'm walking
Away from my fears
that i'll forget and i'll forgive you
and that everything will begin anew
I'm walking away
and you can't stop me
I'm walking away
I'm finally free...
posted by lainey at 1:48 PM
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
if i had one wish i would take you away from here
from all your pain and all your fears
away from this torrid situation
rid you from your trials and tribulations
if I had one wish I'd leave this place
and the only thing I'd take with me is you and your face
the strife you comprehend and understand
would be the troubles of another man
if I had one wish I would step away
and live to dream another day
but that would be a cop out, a façade
a choice that I know no one would applaud
if I had one wish you would finally be happy
smiles on your face wouldn't be a rare anomaly
the joy and laughter you used to know
wouldn't be constantly battled by all your normal foes
if I had one wish you would be at peace
and money would be of the least
of all your troubles and your worries
there would be no thought of having to scurry
to find a way to pay all those bills
and plotting of ways of using nothing to create meals
I'm sorry that all I have are my wishes
I'm sorry that I can't give you more
I'm sorry that there's nothing more I can do
I'm sorry that we live here
I'm sorry that we lost our dreamhouse
I'm sorry that you have to make yourself calm down
I'm sorry that you have to be in constant fear
I'm sorry that you have to think "if I'm gonna go down, I'm gonna go down fighting…"
I'm sorry for this constant mess
I'm sorry that I can't fix it
I'm sorry that you can't fix it
If I had one wish I wouldn't be sorry
But I can't stop wishing
And I can't stop apologizing
I can't stop hoping
I can't stop dreaming
I can't stop
I can't stop
I can't stop
I just want for you to remember what it was like to be at peace
I just want you to remember what it was like when we were young
I just want you to remember that it isn't all that bad
I just want you to remember that you were at once happy
I just want you to remember that you can be happy
I just want you to remember
I just want you to remember
I just want you to remember
If I had one wish
I'm sorry
I can't stop
I just want you to remember
It isn't all that bad
You were happy
Be happy
If I had one wish
posted by lainey at 1:29 AM
Sunday, March 24, 2002
who knew that my words could cause drama? i really dont think its drama... life is drama, words aren't drama...
i dont care anymore. its funny, but last night made me realize how much i dont care anymore. mikey's got the right idea. nothing until after college....well i dont know that sounds kinda boring too. oh well. whatever.
i'm happy spring break is here because i really can take a break from everything. last night was a prime example of a good break. no stress no mess. even me spillin my beer on someone wasn't that big a deal to me since i made it up by buying another round for us. and actually i've been telling everyone that i'm over mikey right...and i know i totally am bc i was simply able to hang out with him like old times and it was good...no stress no mess no fuss...good times. and i got to bitch to him about shit that i hadn't had a chance to talk to him about too. why can't more guys be like him?? actually i take that back...if more guys were like him...ehhhh i dont know if that would be such a bright idea...hahah just kidding....
posted by lainey at 5:13 PM
Saturday, March 23, 2002
mixed signals
life is simply full of mixed signals
wake the fuck up and realize this
there's a form of apprehension in your voice that i'm tired of
so i'm turning to someone else who doesn't need to front
if it looks like that i'm shying away from you
i just might be
bc i'm simply tired of the falsity that is our friendship
falsity? yes i said falsity?
i'm hoping that a word it be.
but frankly that describes the friendship that has been fostered.
and frankly i'm tired of being constantly bothered
with the bullshit, ok not bullshit
but shit that you believe in
represented through words and your attire
fuck i guess i am just tired
of attempting to understand you
bc i've let you understand me and nothing seems to get through
alas one more friendship bites the dust?
has the time wasted just been a bust...
i'm gonna walk away and see what happens
perhaps what i'm expressing is a momentary slip of madness
but for now i'm tired of it
tired of everything
tired of being there when the phone rings
perhaps i'll follow the actions of another
and say goodbye to this moment in time
i've learned a lot, about me, about you, about stuff
but frankly i've just had enough
i think its time to walk away
there's not much reason for me to stay
but if return i think that does mean
that a true friendship was created
and was meant to be seamed
but if not then realize that i don't care
and perhaps you were expendable, a spare
there are other friends that will come in time
and there are friends now who can comprehend this rhyme
i've lyrically spun a riddle for you to ponder
now its time for me to wander...
sweet november...
goodbye....
its a poem nic, not a piece....=)
have a good day, thank you come again....
posted by lainey at 6:21 PM
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
i don't care
i don't care about you
i don't care about our friendship
i don't care about what you just said
i don't care about what i just learned
i don't care about anything
i don't care about anyone
i simply don't give a fuck about it all anymore...
and then i'm reminded of something....
its opposite day...
posted by lainey at 10:36 AM
Monday, March 18, 2002
when all you do is lie, you begin to believe the lie
but when the lie is something that you know would inevitably become truth, then its not really a lie...its truth...
correct?
thoughts of a compulsive liar...truthsayer...
posted by lainey at 6:57 AM
Thursday, March 14, 2002
dashboard confessionial:
A Plain Morning
It is yet to be determined,
but the air is is think,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there are parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you
the temperatirue is dropping and it feels like
its' colder than it ought to be in march
and i still got a day or two ahead of me til i'll be heading home
into your arms again.
and the people here are asking after you
it doesn't make it easier
it doesn't make it easier
to be away
i'd like to hire a plane
i'd see you in the morning
when the day is fresh i'm comin home again
its warmer where you're waiting
it feels more like july
there's pillows in their cases
and one of those is mine
and you wrote the words i love you
and sprayed it with perfume
its better than the fire's
to heat this lonely room
it's warmer where your waiting you're waiting
it feels more like july
Again I Go Unnoticed
So quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation
exhale,
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.
Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feeel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?
Close lipped
another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.
I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again
out of the corner of your eye
won't be the only way you'll look at me then.
posted by lainey at 6:30 PM
papers are over
the tension that i was feeling has evaporated
it feels really good
friendship....it feels good just to enjoy the friendship....
i'm just gonna watch this show play out and see where it ends...for now i'll just enjoy the show...even all the commercials....
posted by lainey at 9:36 AM
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
to be hungry
to listen
to be full
to understand
to be content
to know
to be anxious
to feel
to be scared
to like
to be fine
to care
to be silent
to share
to be heard
to believe
to be there
to breathe
to be with me
to feel
to be here
to love
there are a lot of "to be's" and "to's" out there...these are some of the things that come to my mind. i wrote these randomly with no intiention of making sense...two separate "to's" and yet when you read them together it makes perfect sense...things just work out that way i guess....
posted by lainey at 9:48 PM
Monday, March 11, 2002
i feel empty and anxious again. i think everythings starting to pile up and freak me out. paperwork, programs, school... JUST BREATHE. i can handle all this paperwork in like 20 minutes, the programs will get done today, and school will be handled...
its just hard when you wake up with feeling of anxiety....=(
posted by lainey at 8:15 AM
Sunday, March 10, 2002
to live life through one meaningless motion is to be dead...
that is the realization that i have made while sitting here at my computer.
what good are we if we go through the hum drum routine of life without noticing the idiosyncracies of existence? altho i may complain and bitch about how shitty life is, i'm glad those things occur because i'd be pretty pathetic if i didn't feel those things. i'd rather relish in the pain and the joy then walk through life without acknowledging that those emotions as well as an onslaught of others that could occur.
i've been saying it a billion times in the past couple days, but its true Enjoy The Moment you don't have to take pictures of it, or immediately journal it down....just enjoy it....
posted by lainey at 6:35 PM
ahhhh i dont understand this thing.....
whatevers i have two blogs...bc my mind is so full of crap that one blog cannot contain my meaningless dribble that i call my thoughts!!
posted by lainey at 2:00 PM
so frustration and conundrums....this open forum for myself...part ii
eek...i can't seem to fucking find anything. i've just realized that my title as miss scatterbrain is true. i can't find my avalanches cd, i can't find my prints for my senior portraits and i have a feeling i was supposed to mail those b ack...i have no idea where they are.
i attempted to clean out m y trash and have accumlated more crap
ahhh why does it feel like everything is piling up on me... my schoolwordk, my money issues, my everything is turning me upside down... just breath..
i don't even know why i'm doing another b log like this?? i already have the other one...but it just felt like i needed another outlet besides the leap of faith thingy....multi-tasking...too much multi-tasking...
AHHHHHHHHH why why why am i such a scatterbrain....
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