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internecinus: deadly
hindrances:a delay
my frustrations and complications....
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Sunday, April 06, 2003
i didnt know i came so far
i didnt know i traveled to your star
and found a place to call home
a home with you all alone
not knowing how long everything would last
i held on to you and let go of the past
i watched as you stared deeply into my eyes
and pondered whether or not these words were all lies
but i let you in and relished in your lips
not deciphering whether or not all you wanted was between my hips
each kiss each moment i accepted as bliss
not creating questioins not accepting truths
the only thing i wanted to accept fully was you
but now i'm taking steps into another direction
not knowing if your wanting me to share with you all my convictions
i dont know if you want this as much as me
so i've promised to hold back and not let you completely see
it was too much soon the last time
so i'll hold back my heart as much as i can
enough to let me love you, enough to let you go
bc i promised myself id never get hurt by you again
and a promise is a promise, til the very end
posted by lainey at 10:56 PM
Thursday, February 20, 2003
BEING TWENTY - SOMETHING
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
posted by lainey at 11:11 PM
Sunday, January 26, 2003
why is it that when a cookie crumbles it turns into dust?
posted by lainey at 11:30 PM
Saturday, January 11, 2003
when i jump i expect the water to be deep only to be shattered by shallow waters
posted by lainey at 12:22 AM
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
lost
put some headphones on and i'm lost. lost in the music of some song, lost in the soundtrack of some film, lost in the dialogue of some scene. i like this feeling. i like being lost. when i was a kid i would roam stores and drift aisles and aisles away from my parents and not feel any worry. id walk through the aisles of fedco and look at all the products, mesmerized by the cardboard and plastic packaging of products such as triaminic cold syrup or shampoo bottles. i always knew that id find my way back to my parents as they sat in the long lines, waiting for a cash register to open up.
even when i drive i like getting lost. although i might complain to the people i am with or the person who's gotten me lost, i really dont mind. the new buildings feed my eyes with various sights of beauty. from churches to high rises to hillside mansions, the canvas is endless.
currently i think i'm always lost. not that i'm a lost soul. i think i have that in tact. i think... id like to think i have this aire that i have it together and mostly i do. but sometimes i feel when people ask me questions, i'm shocked when i know the answer to it. i dont know why i feel this way. i just do.
what to do what to do i think i'll just wait and see how the path flows through...
posted by lainey at 9:18 PM
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
my cousin vince said he was amazed at how strong i am...
i didnt know i was so strong...(well i have been known to break the occasional pencil in half on accident of course bc i didnt know how i strong i was heh)
i dont know if its a matter of strength as a matter of perspective.
i could stay angry/sad for forever, but then what good would that do? it wont help my mom and it wont help me. so i need to think positive and put my faith in god, in the doctors, in everything, that things will turn out how they're supposed to.
so when i tell people now about what happened, i'm not super dooper sad anymore. i know its been only five days, but i tend to get over things quasi-quickly. i know that whatever happens happens. and that things happen for a reason, even if i dont know what the reason is at the moment. and really my strength is drawn from my loving family, my wonderful friends, and *gasp* will elaine actually admit it *gasp* my faith in god. i'm not going to go the angry/mad thing with god. there's too much in life to live for than to be angry with god. or angry at the world. as long as i have a sense of humor about things, music, coffee and cigarettes, i think i'll be alright. i'm being taken care of by some wonderful people. and i know earlier i felt extremely alone with all of this stuff...and now i realize that i'm not.
happy days
posted by lainey at 9:49 AM
believe me when i say
that everything is ok
although i may seem down
i feel like things are going to turn around
soon
soon is what i'm wishing
but later is alright too
i dontknow what tomorrow brings
i cant tell the future
but i finally have found that thing called hope
it was lost for a while, but now its finding a way to hang around
posted by lainey at 12:20 AM
Sunday, October 27, 2002
i thought i was going to retire this bad boy....
but then life fucks you over and you need multiple blogs to survive.
i envy everyone who's trouble is which college to apply to for undergrad or grad
i envy everyone who's biggest worry is telling that someone that they have a crush on them
i envy everyone who's biggest worry is whether or not they got an a or b or c or whatever grade on a test
i envy everyone who's trouble is who's gonna be their formal date
i envy everyone who's biggest worry is what to wear tomorrow
i envy everyone who's biggest worry is to live a normal life and do normal things and be "normal"
you all have it so lucky
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